Awakening The Inner Tantrika - Part Three - Opening to Trust

In this post we will learn how to create an environment that fosters closeness, honesty and respect, establish a heart-to-heart connection with our partner and move beyond resistance with open hearted communication, even when it means exposing our deepest, darkest fantasies!

Creating Sacred Space
Creating sacred space is surprisingly easy to do. Take one bedroom add some big squishy cushions, a soft throw, some incense and light candles - lots of them. Music can really set the mood and our choice was ‘Loves Deepest Calling’ by Peru the Singing Woman (www.peruquois.com). A combination of slow, dark beats and Peru’s sensual deep throaty voice, singing about divine union between man and woman - simply delicious!
Note: With all of the following exercises first set up your sacred space and then begin and end with both the Heart Salutation (HS) (discussed last month) and the Melting Hug (MH). You will sit face to face without touching and maintaining eye contact throughout the following exercises unless instructions say otherwise.

Kat’s Diary: I really enjoy creating sacred space and we created a lush boudoir with very little effort. The music and candles went a long way to making me feel more sensual and open to the exercises. I also liked dedicating our room to our tantric practices as it got me out of my normal head space. At one point I did find myself wondering if I was going to suddenly rename myself Lilith Yoni-flower and stop shaving my armpits. We ended the practice, with a Heart Salutation. All in all a lovely relaxing experience.

H’s Diary: I found that setting up the room for the tantra exercises made me think more about sex and so it had a sort of focusing effect on us both. We knew that the reason we were doing it was because we were setting aside time to make love. It gives a man hope!


The Melting Hug
Begin with standing HS then walk slowly towards each other maintaining eye contact, as you get near wrap your arms around each other. Allow the full length of your bodies to touch, including your pelvis, keeping your legs relaxed. Surrender yourselves to the hug, allow yourself to give and receive these simple loving sensations. End with another HS.

Kat’s Diary:
I don’t come from a demonstrative family and so I sometimes get a bit uncomfortable with my mans hugs. It’s not that I don’t enjoy them, it’s more that I worry that if I relax into it, he will expect it to lead to sex. I also find it hard to let go and be present enough to enjoy a hug. I’m always thinking about all the other things I have to do. Despite this instinctive resistance, I found this exercise lovely once I just let go into it.

H’s Diary:
Kat’s been much more physically distant since our daughter was born and I have missed that physical contact with her. So it was nice to be able to just hug her properly without her worrying that I was trying to seduce her.

Moving Beyond Resistance
True ecstasy can only be achieved when both partners are able to truthfully express their feelings to one another. This means being willing to share our truth without fearing that it will damage the relationship or hurt the other person. This practice allows you to identify and release sexual fears and to deepen the level of trust and intimacy you share with your partner. Try not to get upset or defensive, simply listen and give your total attention to your partner.
Allow 15-20 minutes for each part of this three part exercise.

Partner A: asks “Tell me what you are afraid of.”
Partner B: Discuss one sexual fear with your partner for 5 minutes. Try to define the fear in one or two sentences if possible. Then share your most recent experience of this fear. (Partner A keeps time).
(Common fears for men are often around premature ejaculation, clumsy lovemaking skills, penis size – for women it’s more to do with orgasm, asking for what they want sexually, body issues).
If A runs out of steam before the time is up, B can ask ‘What else are you afraid of in sex?’
Reverse Roles. End practice with MH and HS.

Kat’s Diary:
I was absolutely dreading these exercises. I honestly wasn’t sure if I had any sexual fears, apart from this one! If I’m honest, I probably played it a little safe and waxed critical about my assorted doughy, crêpey bits including my back fat and bingo wings. I didn’t feel quite ready to delve any deeper so early into our exercises. We’ll no doubt come back to this one again.

H’s Diary:
All sorts of stuff came up. Kat and I have discussed many of them before and there was nothing new discovered by our discussion tonight, it was simply good to be reminded that she loves me (and isn’t judging me) no matter what I think my short comings might be.

Describing Sexual Fantasies
Many people are understandably nervous about sharing their sexual fantasies. They may feel ashamed of the content or they may not want to offend their partner with the suggestion that they are ‘not enough.’ Tantra fosters a full, unconditional acceptance of each other including those things we might ordinarily repress or keep secret. Though it might be difficult at first, sharing your fantasies, no matter how bizarre or explicit they may be, may well open you to greater enjoyment and play in your sexual life.

HS, MH.
A: “Tell me a sexual dream or fantasy that you have had.”
B: Share fantasy in vivid detail for 5 minutes.
Reverse Roles. End with MH & HS.

Kat’s Diary:
Ye Gods – must I? I am not someone who fantasises at all (unless Viggo Mortensen in a bath of chocolate counts? And even then, I think it’s actually the chocolate that gets me), so I didn’t really know what to do with this one. In the end I came up with a spot of surprise seduction in the manner of Mr Darcy. You know, a bit bossy and dominating. I also filed a couple of H’s away for fun special occasion ideas! I know – ‘special occasion sex’ – it’s very sad but I’ve got a child and a business to run!

H’s Diary:
A lot of guys might think talking dirty is great, but this exercise had me feeling a bit anxious. I guess I was afraid that Kat might be offended, but because of the ‘unconditional love’ preamble, it was okay.

Describing a Peak Sexual Experience
Examine a particularly enjoyable experience of sex with your current partner – how and why it worked – as a way of creating similar conditions within your relationship.
Note: If you feel shy, face away from each other. The person talking can lie down close to their partner but with their eyes closed.

Begin exercise with a HS followed by a MH.
A: “(Name) tell me about a peak sexual experience you have had.”
B: Relate experience in vivid detail – what happened, the unusual and pleasurable aspects of it, why you think it was so good and what bits were similar to other experiences you have had.
Reverse Roles. End with MH and HS.

Kat’s Diary:
I revisited a wonderful fairly recent love-making experience which was, for me, all about how we spiritually and emotionally connected in a much deeper way than normal. It was more erotic and satisfying than normal because of how tuned in to him I felt. Recreating it is more likely to come about as a result of this work as I simply need to feel emotionally open and connected to him.

H’s Diary:
I went back to something in the early days of our relationship. We had the most intense and passionate sex that resulted in a very long, intense orgasm for me. It’s hard to pinpoint why that particular time was so full on, so it’s a difficult thing to recreate. Maybe it was just that everything was so new.

Next month: We get initiated into the art of ‘Sensory Awakening,’ develop skills to enhance intimacy and indulge in a spot of Soul Gazing.

Awakening the Inner Tantrika

*Celebration of Love - Emoto water crystal

Part One – As Good As It Gets

So how did I come to this journey at all?

Well, I guess it came about as the result of the gentle ordinary-ness that lovemaking becomes as relationships mature and other things take precedence over sex. It's not that you cease to desire each other, it's more that the desire becomes something that can be safely tucked away when tired, or distracted or stressed. It is a reflection of our perpetually busy existence that our energies, including our sensual energies, become scattered - coping with the multitudinous necessities of life.

These following pages are drawn from articles I have written for an Australian spiritual publication. They will be slightly longer and a bit more involved than the articles can be because of their space constraints, so I am able to be my usual verbose self here. However, I have reproduced the articles in their entirety just so that I have a record for myself.

And so it came to be that one night as I lay in my H’s arms, I found myself silently wondering, “Is that all there is?” As in many long-term relationships, our lovemaking had lost its lustre. Sex had become something I felt I should do rather than really wanted to do. Childbearing, exhaustion and everyday stress had sapped me of my passion and much of my previously abundant sensuality. It’s not that sex between us wasn’t good – it could be wonderful, but more often than not I felt we were out of synch, as if only our physical bodies were truly connected. In that quiet, post-coital moment some intuitive knowing knocked at the door of my consciousness and bossily demanded to be let in. In my heart (and quite possibly in my loins), I felt there must be a way to recapture a little of the passion we once had for one another, a way to deepen the intimacy and truly connect body, mind and soul.

As I’m sure my experiences of sex must be similar to many other women’s, I decided to set myself a little bedroom challenge. I would investigate Tantra; I would find out what it is, what it does, try out all of the exercises and honestly record the results. My reasoning was that if I wanted to know more about recapturing passion and deepening intimacy and connection in my relationship, then other women may well want to do the same.

So were do we start? If you are anything like me you have probably heard the word ‘tantra’ bandied around a fair bit. You know it’s got something to do with amazing sex, extended orgasms and, strangely, Sting.

My particular tantric journey started with a visit to the website of the SkyDancing Tantra Institute founded by Margot Anand (www.margotanand.com). Whilst her widely acclaimed workshops are unfortunately only available in either America or France, her books are readily available and easy to follow. Anand is the author of several books on tantra including ‘The Art of Everyday Ecstasy: The Seven Tantric Keys for bringing Passion, Spirit and Joy into every part of Your Life’ and ‘The Art of Sexual Magic.’ But, as I attempt to awaken my inner Tantrika (or at least wrestle her in to some state of semi-consciousness) and bring new levels of intimacy into my sexual and sensual relationship with my husband I will be working with ‘The Art of Sexual Ecstasy - The Path of Sacred Sexuality for Western Lovers.’ Out of all of them I found this beautiful book’s approach to tantra or (sacred sexuality as Anand calls it) the easiest to work with. I discovered that beginning the dance of intimacy can be as easy as purchasing a good book and committing to spending one night each weekend focused on your love relationships. As a working mother with a very vigorous two-year old and a somewhat reluctant husband, I found this a reassuring place to start.

A (very) Brief History
The word Tantra is Sanskrit, the sacred language of Hinduism. It derives from the root word tan, which translates as "to extend, expand, spin out, weave; to put forth or manifest." Tantra as a subject is really very complex covering religious, esoteric and philosophical movements. Even scholars have a hard time agreeing on what is and is not tantra, but what is surprisingly clear is that it is not all about sex. However, for the purposes of this specific journey, when I discuss ‘tantra’ I will be referring to the practices derived from Anand’s ‘The Art of Sexual Ecstasy’ which focuses on sacred sex, rather than tantra as a religious or philosophical movement. For more information about the origins of Tantra and its full range of meanings, I recommend taking a look at www.tantra.com.

An Open Invitation
Over the coming months I will be delving into the areas of sacred sexuality listed below and recording my feelings, difficulties and any results I find. I will be attempting to find out exactly what happens to both a relationship and the individuals within it, when tantra is introduced.

If you want to come along for the ride (no pun intended), then get yourself a beautiful blank diary to paste these articles into and to record your own experiences. You might also want to buy yourself a copy of Anand’s book. It is important to note that these exercises will work just as well for single people as they do for couples with a few minor adjustments along the way. So please don’t think that this journey doesn’t apply to you just because you aren’t currently in a relationship. The same goes for same-sex relationships. As we will be focusing on deepening intimacy and expanding our capacity for bliss, it applies to all love relationships.

Topics Covered
Awakening Your Inner Lover – Loving Yourself
Opening to Trust – Developing a Heart-to-Heart Connection with Your Partner
Skills for Enhancing Intimacy – The Art of Seduction & Awakening the Five Senses
Honouring the Body Ecstatic – Rediscovering and Honouring the Body Opening the Inner Flute – Awakening & Amplifying Your Sexual Energy
Self-Pleasuring Rituals – Loving & Pleasuring Self & Partner
Harmonizing Your Inner Man and Inner Woman – Balancing Male & Female Within & The Art of Giving & Receiving
Awakening the Ecstatic Response – How to Generate, Contain and Relax into High States of Arousal
Expanding Orgasm – Sexual Healing
From Orgasm to Ecstasy – Awakening Ecstatic Lovemaking & Channeling Orgasmic Energy
Riding the Wave of Bliss – Basic Postures of Love & Experiencing Sexual Ecstasy

A Note about Resistance
I want to make a quick observation here. At times you may find yourselves confronting resistance to some aspect of the work. You may decide that you are not feeling anything or fear that ‘it won’t work’ for you. Alternatively, you may experience unusual physical sensations as your energy begins to move more noticeably. When this happens, stay with the practice and be aware of how you are feeling. Where does the resistance come from? Is it a deep-seated fear within you? Identify the fear – write about it in your diary. Express it, feel it, allow it. This is the only way to move through it. As Anand points out, “You will be going through major changes, confronting old patterns, challenging beliefs you grew up with. We have not been trained for sexual ecstasy.” So this will be an awakening.

As an average woman with a normal, busy life, I am really approaching this subject with an open mind. I want to share truthfully the highs and lows of the journey, the places of bliss and the places of block. I have challenged myself to deepen my spiritual connection to the Divine as well as to create a renewed sense of love and connection in my relationship with my husband. In all honesty, I’m not expecting fireworks or full body orgasms (at least not right now). I will be happy to have my issues with intimacy fade into the background as a more passionate connection to my life and my beloved develops.

Margot Anand describes Tantra as "The Yoga of Love." Like yoga, “the practice of Tantra offers peace of mind while it both relaxes and energizes the body. Tantra enables one to overcome feelings of separation and create a sense of union. Tantra relaxes the body, opens the heart and brings the mind into clear focus. When this integration has taken place, you are ready for a new sexual experience in which physical pleasure becomes a delight of the heart and an ecstasy of the spirit.” This is where I hope to be when my journey ends. If it is more than this, I will be profoundly grateful.

Next Time: We find out how to Awaken our Inner Lovers. Mine may well have to be shocked out of its coma with a mallet and a very strong cup of coffee.